history and how-tos: COOTer QUEENS!!!!!!!

some of you out there probably keep yourselves awake at night wondering, "how does she do it??", "how does she maintain a THRIVING career in reception and control a blog empire?"

my time is far too valuable today to answer all of those questions. but i will enlighten you, my glorious fans, with a brief history of RECEPTION, a few how-tos... and a bit of advice that will probably put YOU on a higher platform at your current blue-collar career.

EXHIBIT A: MORSE CODE. the beginning of receptionism. VERY important to know. WHY?? because if our phones go haywire, and aliens take over the world, and they start hunting us... its our DUTY as COOTer's to keep the BIZ running. when the boss needs a sandwich, who do you think is going to tap it in? thats what i thought.

EXHIBIT B: YOU KEEP ME HAAAAAANGIN ON THE TEEELEPHoOOooOne. invention of the phone. not really a big deal... we use them, we all know how (even the natives get it i think). first phones---> war messages and shit. thats basically it. take a moment to soak in the visuals, grab a capri sun because what's comin up will BLOOOOOWW YOUR MIIND!!!!!

YET another instance where hollywood attempts to glamorize the worlds dirtiest gig. *sigh*

EXHIBIT C: HOW TO: Inspire, Amaze, Excell, Wow and last but certainly not least, Envy-fy your co-workers. 2 WORDS ya'll. WORK ENVIRONMENT. With a few accessories, and strategically placed items in your workspace, you will QUICKLY become the least screwed with COOTer in the galaxy.

SubExhibit A: Tiddlywink-licous! Accessoriiiiiize Your Biceps.

the following items are listed in order of personal imprtance.

First up and allow me to PROUDLY annouce, that due to the astounding success of my internet blog, I am a PROUD investor and SPONSER of..... the SUPER Rest-A-Phone. this accessory needs no explanation. it makes you look incredibly busy, and when combined with gum-chewing.... well it basically makes for an UN-solvable equation, that even Einstein himself couldn't crack, if he stood up from the grave and walked directly into your office today.

next item up: the infamous headset. most modern-day COOTers prefer the headset... but i am here today to simply illustrate what you ALL are doing wrong... (your welcome.) i have but 2 simple kindergarten words for why it is second in line to the SUPER Rest-A-Phone. PHONE- SLAMMING. How else are you going to assert your power? your boss will be THOROUGHLY impressed with you when you excercise your right to slam the phone. i promise the respect heirachy will slightly shift when you  make this ever so valuable change in your daily COOTer routine. soon enough, your boss will shower you with gifts because you did not interrupt his afternoon nap.

 SubExhibit B: Workspace Decor. 

 

notice the above work space. as compared to the photo captured to the right, it is the eye of the tiger. for purposes of comparison, we will call the winner, "Shirley", and the LOSER "item #2". Shirley is a poised COOTer, with a clean workspace, colorful yet useful desk accessories, an outfit to coordinate, fresh flowers, a few awards worth bragging over with prospective clients, and most importantly a portrait of her BOSS. item #2 is unfortunately doing everything wrong. her desk is cluttered. she looks nervous, as if she either A) has done something terribly wrong, or B) needs to use the bathroom. she is wearing glasses- ha-UGE weakness. the roladex shows that she has absolutely zero memory. tissues, becuase she cries when people yell at her. no SUPER rest-a-phone OR headset, a coffee mug that contains either coffee to keep her awake, because she moonlights as a stripper- or liquor because she is in fact a raging alcoholic (look at the eyes). do i even need to mention anything about the bowl of candy?

that is enough COOTer advice for the day.. stay tuned for excerpts from my biography.

daydream believer and a homecoming QUEEEEEEEN...

a short excerpt from my biography, to be released in stores 2065...

CHRIS: i am obsessed with this weather!!!!!!!!
I totally want to sit outside at a bar in a stain resistant seer-sucker outfit while wearing HUGE suglasses (the new ones designed by madonna dn D&G) and drink myself sober...UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

embrace it...EMBRACE IT
I just want a drink with an umbrella in it...and it's only March

ME: ummm meeeeeee toooo

EXCEPT.

i'll be wearing the alexander wang cat shades, PLATINUM DYED HAIR that grew 4 inches over night, a FIERCE phillip tracey hat, a long black day dress, and a sick flop. and a SUPER INSANELY fierce brow, with the most amazing lipstick youve ever seen.

KELLY: IMAGINE....me.....
in a one-peice bathingsuit, big jackie o sunclasses, strawberry blonde hair (new color for kel for ss10), and a beautiful sarong designed by dustinnnny circa radford days.

and a chunky wedge heal...CHUNKY WEDGE!!!!

w/ a large drink, of cour!

DARA: imagine me!!!
in crimson red short shorts, smooth shaved legs, shaved head and a tank top with my nips out and of course on my diamond encrusted butterfly bicycle!!!

pio pio!

ME: LOL i LOVE this game!!
can i say ni ni to the shaved head? I love your locks too much darling dear..... of course, we all love YOUR nipples- especially DUS-Tini (pronouced like martini)!!!!!!

can we all have a photoshoot wearing these exact items? I would like to add to my look a vintage pourche and a vintage cigarette holder, and SICK RED leather driving gloves and a head scarf to match- and me driving us out to my hamptons chalet after brunch for a weekend long love fest at the beach.

OK im done.

CHRIS: I want a de-furred bunny to hold and pet in my hands the ENTIRE time named Randy...where is his fur you might ask??? Wrapped around the massive straw hat I'm wearing and is dyed to match the purple gladiator sandles (for which will have a bitty heel) that I'll adorn on my feet
amen.

KELLY: since we will be wearing such amazing things, we really shouldn't be making the drinks. the waiters is will be wearing NOTHING but lil cut off jean shorts (like int he birdcage!). they will be buff and oiled. and all will flock to us when we yell
"ALEJANDRO......"

ME: and little people wearing head to toe sequins (think, McQueen Sprin runway) fanning us with disco stick inspired fans..... whom we refer to as
"PATRICK!!"

CHRIS: and GaGa is the towel attendant at the bathroom...ya know...she just wants to keep a little mystery in her existence, nothing too too posh...

"wet nap anyone?"

DUSTY: IMAGINE ME.....
SHEER RAINBOW OMBRE CAFTAN, MY NEWLY PLASTIC SURGEONED NAKED BODY UNDERNEATH (WITH A SHEER LE PERLA THONG OF COURSE) 7 INCH GOLD PLATED OPEN TOE MANOLO SLING BACKS......AND EVERY PIECE OF JEWELRY VICTORIA DE CASTELLANE HAS EVER DESIGNED FOR DIOR FINE JEWELRY. I'M TALKING DOUBLE TIARAS.....TOE RINGS THAT COST ENOUGH TO REBUILD HAITI...

SIPPING TOKYO TEAS...... WHILE RESTING MY FEET ON A 15 YEAR NAKED CUBAN BOY....

I'M ABOVE THE LAWS OF DECENCY!

glamourphonic, electronic, disco baby!

this is a story that i couldn't WAIT to share with all of my fans. thanks to my amazing friend, Nathan for sharing this story with me!

so check it out. this 69 year old granny in britain just decided she wanted to be a DJ, and that's exactly what she is up to. throwin down SICK beats and mashing up all the latest hits..... I CAN'T GET OVER IT!!!! not only has she decided to suddenly become the coolest person in the world after yours truely, BUT she's rockin some FIERCE shades and a mean jacket.

i'm not sure what excites me more, this lady or the gay-vogueing vamp. regardless! i am FOREVER inspired by both of them. big hearts for these people for stimulating infinte amounts of creative energy and AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE62322A20100304

a very early christmas gift to my fans.

there are no words for how amazing this is. ENJOY.

i mean.... gay, vogueing VAMPS!!! you might as well have just told me there REALLY is 12 dimensions, and like the 8th dimension is dedicated to people like this guy.

the spiders from mars

as i was traveling home yesterday via public transit, i thought to myself, "what do my bloggers want to know about me?" and i knew right away (as things often come very quickly and easy for me), it was how on earth did a small town gal from north carolina gather so much success and fame at such an early age?

well i will tell you. and its 3 simple words.

sallie. jesse. raphael.

while most kids were playing their sega genisis after school and filling in take home tests, i was rushing home throwing hot pockets into the microwave and frantically turning on our 400 pound 32 inch zenith tv. why?? a little show called, Sallie Jesse Raphael, thats why. and because i was so truely enlightened by those red-framed glasses. i immediately gave notice to SJR's keen sageness and insight that most adults only dreamt of having themselves, who would otherwise not be in such devistating predicaments! i knew that she would some day teach me personally the ways of manipulating the minds of those who know no better. she basically inspired me to rule the entire universe.

i speak only in truth and in my convictions. if you want to experience the kind of fame and success i have, get to know the who, what, when and where of sallie jesse. if you want to know how to be charming and equally as convincing, i might suggest purchasing a pair of authentic red-frames, dying your hair red TO MATCH, and studying up on topics that include but are not limited to: reuniting long lost siamese twins seperated at birth, the pandemic that is spousal abuse, homeless gay ex-convicts, the positive influence that is phil donahue, pagent children turned thieves!... etc.

while you are also hard to work at your reseach on becoming the most powerful person in this solar system, look up all things david bowie, who just so happens to be distant cousin of sallie jesse herself. this is not a public record, but you can just tell by their stikingly similar features. focus mainly on the years between 1969 and 1973.

DEAR REBECCA ALEXANDER,

http://fashionindie.com/a-letter-to-richie-rich/trackback/

to my beloved bloggers: if you have not read the above post, please do so (as well as the comments) before continuing reading the rest of this post. xoxo, shirL

dusty could not have put it better. people who are fortunate enough to have a public forum, with such a vast audience should sure as shit have more class than these assholes.

i dont even know where to begin. maybe we should start with what it truely means to be constructive, and critical- supporting your criticisms with KNOWLEDGE and not your socially superior attitude. i think with a platform that you are so fortunate to have, you should be embarrassed and ashamed at stooping to such LOW LEVELS. the fact of the matter is, more people know who Richie Rich is. he has created a name for himself- regardless of it's connotations. he has a unique personal style, and a vision. maybe its not a vision everyone can relate to- or something that is in sync with everyone's personal taste. BUT like every other designer out there, who works hard, he deserves RESPECT. do you think that if he sat down and actually gave a shit about what you thought for his next collection, it would be any better? and furthermore- does karl lagerfeld, tom ford, or marc jacobs ring you up personally to see what direction YOU think the industry should be going in for next season?? absolutely not.

i won't take anymore stabs at those who get a rise out of making people feel like they have no talent. these people should feel so utterly ashamed of themselves- and rethink what real right they have to make such nasty statements.

i cannot even comment on what you have to say about McQueen's suicide. but for that comment alone, you should have choked on your supposed mouth full of puke right there at Richie's show, and he should have roller-skated all over your ugly face. (yikes! i swear i dont know where that malevolence came from) do you honestly think McQueen would be proud of you? sit on that. before you bring someone's name into something... think about how they would feel about your statement. you are disgusting, and i will forever boycott your website.

he ate my heart, and then he ate my brain....

it is time for us to take these next couple of days and channel his spirit. he is floating around somewhere in the universe, and im going to wish for every second of the rest of my life that he possesses my body and inspires me forever. we should always be looking forward and never looking back. who is up for a seance? seriously, maybe he chose this, so that we take this and become inspired to fill his shoes, make him proud- etc. thats how i like to think of it. i now have a very spiritual connection to him, and will take him with me everywhere i go.

i will forever remember lee alexander mcqueen, who changed my life every new season in fashion.

Alexander McQueen Interview from SHOWstudio on Vimeo.

dolla dolla bill ya'll

you are my golfball. thanks dad!

i would like to take a moment to share this cheesy email my dad sent me. i feel like its important to know where your priorities are, and where you stand in terms of others. its very VERY important that i always make an honest effort to let everyone in my life know how much i love them.

The Mayonnaise Jar and Two Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the two cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes".

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things in life. Your God, your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions: things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else: the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

"One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

XOXO

sass a frass.

get over it. im getting them.

spit it out fattie!!!!!!!

prepare yourself to be startled with amazement with what you are about to read next. you may want to sit, or put down your extra hot venti double soy nonfat double soy triple whip latte... FOR what i am about to tell you MAY SHOCK YOU INTO ANOTHER UNIVERSE.

im basically new best frineds with......

arnold schwarzenegger personally introduced himself into my life today. and by that- i mean, he sent yours truely a personalized piece of literature aka, a letter: A SPARK OF CONVERSATION THAT BLAZED UPON MY EYEBALLS LIKE 2 LIGHTENING BOLTS.

***it has just been suggested to me by one of my fans that i should make one minor detail a bit more clear- it is very much apart of my job, to open mail and distribute it to the proper entity, recepticle, etc. (opening office mail is customary of any COOTer)i do not personally receive or keep any sort of mail whatsoever, but that is secondary, and COMPLETELY irrelevent.***

anyway, celebrity encounters provide great writing material. even if said encounter is via the united states post office. what some of you may not be able to grasp is, a highly privileged collection of words dictated by the terminator himself ... (to whom?- AGAIN, an unimportant detail that, for the purposes of a blog ALL ABOUT a self-made COOTer, will only snag the lining of my glorious story)... reached my hands today. simple words on paper- from the man who, single handedly made me look at male-cops-posing-as-teachers-wearing-tight-polos, in a WHOLE NEW LIGHT. as i skim through, looking for a clear recipient so as to allocate it to the proper entity/ recepticle, i suddenly realize that no where within the document did i find, "who is your daddy and what does he do?" or, "its not a TUMA". utterly disappointing.

...and as i highlight just one of the MANY perks of being a self made, bona-fide COOTer: all i ask is that you maintain your jealousy. this is my job. im a human filter, i am the eyes and ears. we all can't be receivers of austrian poetry. while some people are designing shirts, and selling houses- I am filtering phone calls from the US GOVERNMENT. i'm the who, what, when, where and how of every detail in every memo, teleconference, office supply order...etc. (the logistics of COOTering goes on, but being so high-profile for so long, i have learned when to pull back) i'm a one woman show, perched upon this crystal glass desk you'll encounter as you walk through our front doors. if you should ever feel so inclined to stop in for a visit, i might warn you that there is no need for you to feel even the slightest amount of intimidation that radiates from my matching twin Swingline Staplers. underneath the piles of mail, gobs of neon pos-tits and paper-clips galore.. i am here- to serve you. and by you i mean, the celebrities of the galaxy, who so often love to send me hand written love letters via the united states postal service.

life as i know it has become an anomaly of which i was never prepared. in highschool, they tell you that you are nothing without college. in college they tell you you are nothing without experience. and in the real world, they look at your resume and they look at you- EAGER, with all of your education, big resume words and part-time work experience and suddenly like the death of versace-say to you: they want more.

well, i have yet to discover the route in which one really SHOULD take to make all of their dreams come true. despite feeling like i've been lied to, misguided and abused by sallie mae and all of her "allow-me-lend-you-LARGE SUMS of-money-for-your-ever-so-valuable-college-education", i will advance. in fact i already have.

i am a self made thousandaire. i dont work long hours, i have weekends off, and i have the best most attractive looking desk in my office. if you haven't figured it out by now- i am a Receptionist. some other titles i hold- Chief Operating Officer & Telecommunicator (COOTer) Chief Executive Officer of Receptionism (CEOOR) and Chief Executive Fire Warden (CEFW). while my occupation may suggest that i am a high profile person, i am just like you. although i am constantly communicating with people all over this planet, and people fear me, i am nothing worthy of intimidation. i am just doing my job. day in-day out. the minute i turn off my 28 inch flat screen DELL pc at 5:59 p.m. i become human camouflage. looking at me on the train, you would never know what kind of career i posses. you would never think, "wow, she must have hundreds in the bank." i seriously am not trying to boast, but it is true.

my journey as a COOTer has not been easy. this blog is an evidentiary preservation of my tribulations on dealing with the power, fame, money and stresses of COOTer-ing through receptionism. keep enjoyin', and ill keep bloggin'.

a tiddlywink lesson in life: fur karma

OMG!! it's Miu Miu's PreFall 2010 Collection, and i am dying!!!! love the fur, love the knit knee highs... love it ALL!!! i can't wait to see more! gimme gimme more, gimme more gimme gimme more. oh, and the photo below-- it is just one in my files i thought i would share...

so... as we are approaching a new season in fashion, i have sworn off winter purchases.. but looking at these pics with FUR makes me want to DIE and i get a little FURklempt inside thinking about where my late fur collar is right as i am typing to my beloved blog followers. r.i.p. ex-lover!

one very valuable lesson in life: do not frost yourself in the most glamorous of fashion items you own, and then proceed to drink your body weight in liquor, while on a no-eating diet... AND expect to wind up at home, all fabolousness in tact. it wont happen. some greedy little on-looker will notice your treasures, and the moment you set it down and turn your back to flash everyone with the goodies you were born with--- your beloved fur collar will vanish into thin air.
alas. another evening in the life of a new york fashion devotee, another prized accessory bites the dust. literally. the dust bunny in that greedy little trick's apartment who stole it.

better things are in store for me. As for those who lurk in dark corners of the ritz, who surreptitiously seize the very items that strike their fancy, well..... be careful. WATCH your back because the karma police are after you. someone may pee in your soup, or you might fall down the subway stairs and knock out your two front teeth and inconveniently bloody up my gorgeous fur collar. unfortunately for you, the possibilities of retribution are endless.

we all get what we deserve. i have a life full of magnificent fashion finds that await me. this one little hiccup aint nothin but a tiddlywink, and for shiz aint no sweat of my back. PSSSHHH!

dance in the dark!!

hello my lovely blog follower (s?)!! so, let me just get right into the heart of the matter. i have decided that when i get to a book store i am going to buy "the power of positive thinking". i am going to read it, and as my best friend lady gaga says, "Find your freedom in the music, Find your jesus, find your cupid... baby love to dance in the dark"

i think this song, and these lyrics are soooo symbolic for me right now, because as i am on the hunt for a new gig, and trying to beat my way through the confines of the (i swore i would never say this again, but for my blog... and reasons of explanation- I WILL... just this one last time) poor economy, i have found my self JAILED by negativity. i need the power of positive thinking! i WILL "dance in the dark!!"

and this brings me to the red carpet commentating on the golden globes. for decades we have seen obnoxious E! new's anchors with absolutely no reasonable realitivity to fashion, single-handedly EXTINGUISH the use of creativity for these events. Andre Leon Talley said it best in his TalleyHo blog on vogue.com, "When you start watching red-carpet shows at 6:00 p.m. and don’t see a stunning dress until 9:00 p.m.—Julianna Margulies’s ruby paillette crepe robe de style with cutouts, by Narciso Rodriguez—it’s sad what passes for style in Hollywood."

it is sad. but it SHALL CHANGE!!!! once all the celebs catch on to the most amazing tiddlywinklicious blog on the internet (because here, we do not have a worst dressed list, there is NO SUCH THING), they will not be affraid!!! they will take risks! they will watch the Fifth Element while getting ready, and read crazy science blogs, and dress up like an AWESOME found object art project. that is what hollywood is all about, right? art?

anyway, kuddos to all who make an effort! i love all of you big celebs out there, and if you ever need any styling assistance. im your gal! ill change your socks, sew you into a fur suit, even help you paint on latex!

these are some notable women from the golden globes, all of whom i adore for different reason, but not one more than the other. E-N-J-O-Y!

this time baby i'll be bulletproof

These are sooooooo FEROCIOUS!!!!! I would wear them every day! And even in the winter with white tights. I could die!!!!! The brand is called La Rare Paris. Tiddlywinks from Paris!!!!

je taime!

my mascara runs in constellations for you dear...

1) if you have read my first post and understood the brilliance behind what im orchestrating right here on the internet, and...

2) you are NOT my boyfriend, the one and only follower i have just 4 hours into my blog journey

then 3) WELCOME BACK!!!! and i would like to encourage you to participate in my poll, relish in the fantastical-ness of my blog, and consider becoming a follower. i will not divulge into the many reasons why you should.

enjoy this photographic masterpiece. it is called, the world i live in.

ain't nothin but a tiddlywink!

tid-leee/WINKS!
what are tiddlywinks? well you can google it, but i might suggest using your imagination. its more fun that way, anyway. a tiddlywink is something so truely amazing and unexplainable. a rareity. a GOLDEN TICKET. FIRE AND ICE! the best pizza you have ever had, for zero calories. cute babies, fat puppies, super sick shoes, and love jams. its a triumph- its like the ivory tower in the neverending story. the best things on earth are tiddlywinks, and that's why i have brought this blog to you.