return of the mack!

hello devout followers!

i know that even while i was on a stunning 12 month hiatus you all truly missed me like the dickens. and as you may have already noticed, i spent those 12 months re-connecting with my roots, vacationing in the swiss alps, learning multiple languages and as it happens discovering exactly how much sangria it takes to make one seem mentally handicapped. rubbing elbows with celebrities is hard work (i really must say) and an honest to god test to tried and true modesty. you can't just go bragging about the who and the what.

more importantly is THE MACK IS BACK!

i've come off this lapse in time a new and improved woman. this shocking news may come as a surprise to those who sought after my profound words and felt a close kinship to my experience as a new york COOTer. well, GET READY FOR IT! because during the same week oprah uncovers a long lost half-sister, (and you stricken with the fury that it wasn't YOU?!)... i'm not sure that with what i am about to unveil, you will still be alive...

i no longer hold the reigns of a high-powered COOTer.

...to be continued...

history and how-tos: COOTer QUEENS!!!!!!!

some of you out there probably keep yourselves awake at night wondering, "how does she do it??", "how does she maintain a THRIVING career in reception and control a blog empire?"

my time is far too valuable today to answer all of those questions. but i will enlighten you, my glorious fans, with a brief history of RECEPTION, a few how-tos... and a bit of advice that will probably put YOU on a higher platform at your current blue-collar career.

EXHIBIT A: MORSE CODE. the beginning of receptionism. VERY important to know. WHY?? because if our phones go haywire, and aliens take over the world, and they start hunting us... its our DUTY as COOTer's to keep the BIZ running. when the boss needs a sandwich, who do you think is going to tap it in? thats what i thought.

EXHIBIT B: YOU KEEP ME HAAAAAANGIN ON THE TEEELEPHoOOooOne. invention of the phone. not really a big deal... we use them, we all know how (even the natives get it i think). first phones---> war messages and shit. thats basically it. take a moment to soak in the visuals, grab a capri sun because what's comin up will BLOOOOOWW YOUR MIIND!!!!!

YET another instance where hollywood attempts to glamorize the worlds dirtiest gig. *sigh*

EXHIBIT C: HOW TO: Inspire, Amaze, Excell, Wow and last but certainly not least, Envy-fy your co-workers. 2 WORDS ya'll. WORK ENVIRONMENT. With a few accessories, and strategically placed items in your workspace, you will QUICKLY become the least screwed with COOTer in the galaxy.

SubExhibit A: Tiddlywink-licous! Accessoriiiiiize Your Biceps.

the following items are listed in order of personal imprtance.

First up and allow me to PROUDLY annouce, that due to the astounding success of my internet blog, I am a PROUD investor and SPONSER of..... the SUPER Rest-A-Phone. this accessory needs no explanation. it makes you look incredibly busy, and when combined with gum-chewing.... well it basically makes for an UN-solvable equation, that even Einstein himself couldn't crack, if he stood up from the grave and walked directly into your office today.

next item up: the infamous headset. most modern-day COOTers prefer the headset... but i am here today to simply illustrate what you ALL are doing wrong... (your welcome.) i have but 2 simple kindergarten words for why it is second in line to the SUPER Rest-A-Phone. PHONE- SLAMMING. How else are you going to assert your power? your boss will be THOROUGHLY impressed with you when you excercise your right to slam the phone. i promise the respect heirachy will slightly shift when you  make this ever so valuable change in your daily COOTer routine. soon enough, your boss will shower you with gifts because you did not interrupt his afternoon nap.

 SubExhibit B: Workspace Decor. 

 

notice the above work space. as compared to the photo captured to the right, it is the eye of the tiger. for purposes of comparison, we will call the winner, "Shirley", and the LOSER "item #2". Shirley is a poised COOTer, with a clean workspace, colorful yet useful desk accessories, an outfit to coordinate, fresh flowers, a few awards worth bragging over with prospective clients, and most importantly a portrait of her BOSS. item #2 is unfortunately doing everything wrong. her desk is cluttered. she looks nervous, as if she either A) has done something terribly wrong, or B) needs to use the bathroom. she is wearing glasses- ha-UGE weakness. the roladex shows that she has absolutely zero memory. tissues, becuase she cries when people yell at her. no SUPER rest-a-phone OR headset, a coffee mug that contains either coffee to keep her awake, because she moonlights as a stripper- or liquor because she is in fact a raging alcoholic (look at the eyes). do i even need to mention anything about the bowl of candy?

that is enough COOTer advice for the day.. stay tuned for excerpts from my biography.

daydream believer and a homecoming QUEEEEEEEN...

a short excerpt from my biography, to be released in stores 2065...

CHRIS: i am obsessed with this weather!!!!!!!!
I totally want to sit outside at a bar in a stain resistant seer-sucker outfit while wearing HUGE suglasses (the new ones designed by madonna dn D&G) and drink myself sober...UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

embrace it...EMBRACE IT
I just want a drink with an umbrella in it...and it's only March

ME: ummm meeeeeee toooo

EXCEPT.

i'll be wearing the alexander wang cat shades, PLATINUM DYED HAIR that grew 4 inches over night, a FIERCE phillip tracey hat, a long black day dress, and a sick flop. and a SUPER INSANELY fierce brow, with the most amazing lipstick youve ever seen.

KELLY: IMAGINE....me.....
in a one-peice bathingsuit, big jackie o sunclasses, strawberry blonde hair (new color for kel for ss10), and a beautiful sarong designed by dustinnnny circa radford days.

and a chunky wedge heal...CHUNKY WEDGE!!!!

w/ a large drink, of cour!

DARA: imagine me!!!
in crimson red short shorts, smooth shaved legs, shaved head and a tank top with my nips out and of course on my diamond encrusted butterfly bicycle!!!

pio pio!

ME: LOL i LOVE this game!!
can i say ni ni to the shaved head? I love your locks too much darling dear..... of course, we all love YOUR nipples- especially DUS-Tini (pronouced like martini)!!!!!!

can we all have a photoshoot wearing these exact items? I would like to add to my look a vintage pourche and a vintage cigarette holder, and SICK RED leather driving gloves and a head scarf to match- and me driving us out to my hamptons chalet after brunch for a weekend long love fest at the beach.

OK im done.

CHRIS: I want a de-furred bunny to hold and pet in my hands the ENTIRE time named Randy...where is his fur you might ask??? Wrapped around the massive straw hat I'm wearing and is dyed to match the purple gladiator sandles (for which will have a bitty heel) that I'll adorn on my feet
amen.

KELLY: since we will be wearing such amazing things, we really shouldn't be making the drinks. the waiters is will be wearing NOTHING but lil cut off jean shorts (like int he birdcage!). they will be buff and oiled. and all will flock to us when we yell
"ALEJANDRO......"

ME: and little people wearing head to toe sequins (think, McQueen Sprin runway) fanning us with disco stick inspired fans..... whom we refer to as
"PATRICK!!"

CHRIS: and GaGa is the towel attendant at the bathroom...ya know...she just wants to keep a little mystery in her existence, nothing too too posh...

"wet nap anyone?"

DUSTY: IMAGINE ME.....
SHEER RAINBOW OMBRE CAFTAN, MY NEWLY PLASTIC SURGEONED NAKED BODY UNDERNEATH (WITH A SHEER LE PERLA THONG OF COURSE) 7 INCH GOLD PLATED OPEN TOE MANOLO SLING BACKS......AND EVERY PIECE OF JEWELRY VICTORIA DE CASTELLANE HAS EVER DESIGNED FOR DIOR FINE JEWELRY. I'M TALKING DOUBLE TIARAS.....TOE RINGS THAT COST ENOUGH TO REBUILD HAITI...

SIPPING TOKYO TEAS...... WHILE RESTING MY FEET ON A 15 YEAR NAKED CUBAN BOY....

I'M ABOVE THE LAWS OF DECENCY!

glamourphonic, electronic, disco baby!

this is a story that i couldn't WAIT to share with all of my fans. thanks to my amazing friend, Nathan for sharing this story with me!

so check it out. this 69 year old granny in britain just decided she wanted to be a DJ, and that's exactly what she is up to. throwin down SICK beats and mashing up all the latest hits..... I CAN'T GET OVER IT!!!! not only has she decided to suddenly become the coolest person in the world after yours truely, BUT she's rockin some FIERCE shades and a mean jacket.

i'm not sure what excites me more, this lady or the gay-vogueing vamp. regardless! i am FOREVER inspired by both of them. big hearts for these people for stimulating infinte amounts of creative energy and AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE62322A20100304

a very early christmas gift to my fans.

there are no words for how amazing this is. ENJOY.

i mean.... gay, vogueing VAMPS!!! you might as well have just told me there REALLY is 12 dimensions, and like the 8th dimension is dedicated to people like this guy.

the spiders from mars

as i was traveling home yesterday via public transit, i thought to myself, "what do my bloggers want to know about me?" and i knew right away (as things often come very quickly and easy for me), it was how on earth did a small town gal from north carolina gather so much success and fame at such an early age?

well i will tell you. and its 3 simple words.

sallie. jesse. raphael.

while most kids were playing their sega genisis after school and filling in take home tests, i was rushing home throwing hot pockets into the microwave and frantically turning on our 400 pound 32 inch zenith tv. why?? a little show called, Sallie Jesse Raphael, thats why. and because i was so truely enlightened by those red-framed glasses. i immediately gave notice to SJR's keen sageness and insight that most adults only dreamt of having themselves, who would otherwise not be in such devistating predicaments! i knew that she would some day teach me personally the ways of manipulating the minds of those who know no better. she basically inspired me to rule the entire universe.

i speak only in truth and in my convictions. if you want to experience the kind of fame and success i have, get to know the who, what, when and where of sallie jesse. if you want to know how to be charming and equally as convincing, i might suggest purchasing a pair of authentic red-frames, dying your hair red TO MATCH, and studying up on topics that include but are not limited to: reuniting long lost siamese twins seperated at birth, the pandemic that is spousal abuse, homeless gay ex-convicts, the positive influence that is phil donahue, pagent children turned thieves!... etc.

while you are also hard to work at your reseach on becoming the most powerful person in this solar system, look up all things david bowie, who just so happens to be distant cousin of sallie jesse herself. this is not a public record, but you can just tell by their stikingly similar features. focus mainly on the years between 1969 and 1973.

DEAR REBECCA ALEXANDER,

http://fashionindie.com/a-letter-to-richie-rich/trackback/

to my beloved bloggers: if you have not read the above post, please do so (as well as the comments) before continuing reading the rest of this post. xoxo, shirL

dusty could not have put it better. people who are fortunate enough to have a public forum, with such a vast audience should sure as shit have more class than these assholes.

i dont even know where to begin. maybe we should start with what it truely means to be constructive, and critical- supporting your criticisms with KNOWLEDGE and not your socially superior attitude. i think with a platform that you are so fortunate to have, you should be embarrassed and ashamed at stooping to such LOW LEVELS. the fact of the matter is, more people know who Richie Rich is. he has created a name for himself- regardless of it's connotations. he has a unique personal style, and a vision. maybe its not a vision everyone can relate to- or something that is in sync with everyone's personal taste. BUT like every other designer out there, who works hard, he deserves RESPECT. do you think that if he sat down and actually gave a shit about what you thought for his next collection, it would be any better? and furthermore- does karl lagerfeld, tom ford, or marc jacobs ring you up personally to see what direction YOU think the industry should be going in for next season?? absolutely not.

i won't take anymore stabs at those who get a rise out of making people feel like they have no talent. these people should feel so utterly ashamed of themselves- and rethink what real right they have to make such nasty statements.

i cannot even comment on what you have to say about McQueen's suicide. but for that comment alone, you should have choked on your supposed mouth full of puke right there at Richie's show, and he should have roller-skated all over your ugly face. (yikes! i swear i dont know where that malevolence came from) do you honestly think McQueen would be proud of you? sit on that. before you bring someone's name into something... think about how they would feel about your statement. you are disgusting, and i will forever boycott your website.