spit it out fattie!!!!!!!

prepare yourself to be startled with amazement with what you are about to read next. you may want to sit, or put down your extra hot venti double soy nonfat double soy triple whip latte... FOR what i am about to tell you MAY SHOCK YOU INTO ANOTHER UNIVERSE.

im basically new best frineds with......

arnold schwarzenegger personally introduced himself into my life today. and by that- i mean, he sent yours truely a personalized piece of literature aka, a letter: A SPARK OF CONVERSATION THAT BLAZED UPON MY EYEBALLS LIKE 2 LIGHTENING BOLTS.

***it has just been suggested to me by one of my fans that i should make one minor detail a bit more clear- it is very much apart of my job, to open mail and distribute it to the proper entity, recepticle, etc. (opening office mail is customary of any COOTer)i do not personally receive or keep any sort of mail whatsoever, but that is secondary, and COMPLETELY irrelevent.***

anyway, celebrity encounters provide great writing material. even if said encounter is via the united states post office. what some of you may not be able to grasp is, a highly privileged collection of words dictated by the terminator himself ... (to whom?- AGAIN, an unimportant detail that, for the purposes of a blog ALL ABOUT a self-made COOTer, will only snag the lining of my glorious story)... reached my hands today. simple words on paper- from the man who, single handedly made me look at male-cops-posing-as-teachers-wearing-tight-polos, in a WHOLE NEW LIGHT. as i skim through, looking for a clear recipient so as to allocate it to the proper entity/ recepticle, i suddenly realize that no where within the document did i find, "who is your daddy and what does he do?" or, "its not a TUMA". utterly disappointing.

...and as i highlight just one of the MANY perks of being a self made, bona-fide COOTer: all i ask is that you maintain your jealousy. this is my job. im a human filter, i am the eyes and ears. we all can't be receivers of austrian poetry. while some people are designing shirts, and selling houses- I am filtering phone calls from the US GOVERNMENT. i'm the who, what, when, where and how of every detail in every memo, teleconference, office supply order...etc. (the logistics of COOTering goes on, but being so high-profile for so long, i have learned when to pull back) i'm a one woman show, perched upon this crystal glass desk you'll encounter as you walk through our front doors. if you should ever feel so inclined to stop in for a visit, i might warn you that there is no need for you to feel even the slightest amount of intimidation that radiates from my matching twin Swingline Staplers. underneath the piles of mail, gobs of neon pos-tits and paper-clips galore.. i am here- to serve you. and by you i mean, the celebrities of the galaxy, who so often love to send me hand written love letters via the united states postal service.

life as i know it has become an anomaly of which i was never prepared. in highschool, they tell you that you are nothing without college. in college they tell you you are nothing without experience. and in the real world, they look at your resume and they look at you- EAGER, with all of your education, big resume words and part-time work experience and suddenly like the death of versace-say to you: they want more.

well, i have yet to discover the route in which one really SHOULD take to make all of their dreams come true. despite feeling like i've been lied to, misguided and abused by sallie mae and all of her "allow-me-lend-you-LARGE SUMS of-money-for-your-ever-so-valuable-college-education", i will advance. in fact i already have.

i am a self made thousandaire. i dont work long hours, i have weekends off, and i have the best most attractive looking desk in my office. if you haven't figured it out by now- i am a Receptionist. some other titles i hold- Chief Operating Officer & Telecommunicator (COOTer) Chief Executive Officer of Receptionism (CEOOR) and Chief Executive Fire Warden (CEFW). while my occupation may suggest that i am a high profile person, i am just like you. although i am constantly communicating with people all over this planet, and people fear me, i am nothing worthy of intimidation. i am just doing my job. day in-day out. the minute i turn off my 28 inch flat screen DELL pc at 5:59 p.m. i become human camouflage. looking at me on the train, you would never know what kind of career i posses. you would never think, "wow, she must have hundreds in the bank." i seriously am not trying to boast, but it is true.

my journey as a COOTer has not been easy. this blog is an evidentiary preservation of my tribulations on dealing with the power, fame, money and stresses of COOTer-ing through receptionism. keep enjoyin', and ill keep bloggin'.

a tiddlywink lesson in life: fur karma

OMG!! it's Miu Miu's PreFall 2010 Collection, and i am dying!!!! love the fur, love the knit knee highs... love it ALL!!! i can't wait to see more! gimme gimme more, gimme more gimme gimme more. oh, and the photo below-- it is just one in my files i thought i would share...

so... as we are approaching a new season in fashion, i have sworn off winter purchases.. but looking at these pics with FUR makes me want to DIE and i get a little FURklempt inside thinking about where my late fur collar is right as i am typing to my beloved blog followers. r.i.p. ex-lover!

one very valuable lesson in life: do not frost yourself in the most glamorous of fashion items you own, and then proceed to drink your body weight in liquor, while on a no-eating diet... AND expect to wind up at home, all fabolousness in tact. it wont happen. some greedy little on-looker will notice your treasures, and the moment you set it down and turn your back to flash everyone with the goodies you were born with--- your beloved fur collar will vanish into thin air.
alas. another evening in the life of a new york fashion devotee, another prized accessory bites the dust. literally. the dust bunny in that greedy little trick's apartment who stole it.

better things are in store for me. As for those who lurk in dark corners of the ritz, who surreptitiously seize the very items that strike their fancy, well..... be careful. WATCH your back because the karma police are after you. someone may pee in your soup, or you might fall down the subway stairs and knock out your two front teeth and inconveniently bloody up my gorgeous fur collar. unfortunately for you, the possibilities of retribution are endless.

we all get what we deserve. i have a life full of magnificent fashion finds that await me. this one little hiccup aint nothin but a tiddlywink, and for shiz aint no sweat of my back. PSSSHHH!

dance in the dark!!

hello my lovely blog follower (s?)!! so, let me just get right into the heart of the matter. i have decided that when i get to a book store i am going to buy "the power of positive thinking". i am going to read it, and as my best friend lady gaga says, "Find your freedom in the music, Find your jesus, find your cupid... baby love to dance in the dark"

i think this song, and these lyrics are soooo symbolic for me right now, because as i am on the hunt for a new gig, and trying to beat my way through the confines of the (i swore i would never say this again, but for my blog... and reasons of explanation- I WILL... just this one last time) poor economy, i have found my self JAILED by negativity. i need the power of positive thinking! i WILL "dance in the dark!!"

and this brings me to the red carpet commentating on the golden globes. for decades we have seen obnoxious E! new's anchors with absolutely no reasonable realitivity to fashion, single-handedly EXTINGUISH the use of creativity for these events. Andre Leon Talley said it best in his TalleyHo blog on vogue.com, "When you start watching red-carpet shows at 6:00 p.m. and don’t see a stunning dress until 9:00 p.m.—Julianna Margulies’s ruby paillette crepe robe de style with cutouts, by Narciso Rodriguez—it’s sad what passes for style in Hollywood."

it is sad. but it SHALL CHANGE!!!! once all the celebs catch on to the most amazing tiddlywinklicious blog on the internet (because here, we do not have a worst dressed list, there is NO SUCH THING), they will not be affraid!!! they will take risks! they will watch the Fifth Element while getting ready, and read crazy science blogs, and dress up like an AWESOME found object art project. that is what hollywood is all about, right? art?

anyway, kuddos to all who make an effort! i love all of you big celebs out there, and if you ever need any styling assistance. im your gal! ill change your socks, sew you into a fur suit, even help you paint on latex!

these are some notable women from the golden globes, all of whom i adore for different reason, but not one more than the other. E-N-J-O-Y!

this time baby i'll be bulletproof

These are sooooooo FEROCIOUS!!!!! I would wear them every day! And even in the winter with white tights. I could die!!!!! The brand is called La Rare Paris. Tiddlywinks from Paris!!!!

je taime!

my mascara runs in constellations for you dear...

1) if you have read my first post and understood the brilliance behind what im orchestrating right here on the internet, and...

2) you are NOT my boyfriend, the one and only follower i have just 4 hours into my blog journey

then 3) WELCOME BACK!!!! and i would like to encourage you to participate in my poll, relish in the fantastical-ness of my blog, and consider becoming a follower. i will not divulge into the many reasons why you should.

enjoy this photographic masterpiece. it is called, the world i live in.

ain't nothin but a tiddlywink!

tid-leee/WINKS!
what are tiddlywinks? well you can google it, but i might suggest using your imagination. its more fun that way, anyway. a tiddlywink is something so truely amazing and unexplainable. a rareity. a GOLDEN TICKET. FIRE AND ICE! the best pizza you have ever had, for zero calories. cute babies, fat puppies, super sick shoes, and love jams. its a triumph- its like the ivory tower in the neverending story. the best things on earth are tiddlywinks, and that's why i have brought this blog to you.